#99 - Event Horizon

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0119081/

"This place is a tomb."

- Larry Fishburne Jr.

Holy Shit. So I've picked this film as my #99 because I think it provides a good example of what my goal is for this series. The purpose of this is not to simply bash film after film, but to provide readers with legitimate reasons as to why they should not see certain movies.

Event Horizon is the perfect example of a decent film - which you should NEVER see.

Let me explain.

Again, I have not rewatched this film in order to write this short article. Instead I have taken a look at the trailer (embedded above) as a way to job my memories.

1997 - 1983 = 14 years old when I saw this. I was at a friends cottage and it was looking like a night of staying in to watch a movie. It was me, my brother, and two of our friends. When wander over to the video store and spend about a half hour looking around for something to rent when we stumble across:

Well, being the huge nerds that we were, we're all thinking, "Hmm, I could go for some Sci-Fi tonight"

But what of that tag line:

INFINITE SPACE

INFINITE TERROR

Noted. But for some reason the four of us refused to see it as a potentially scary film. I'm pretty sure this is what went through each of our heads simultaneously:

"I will say the professor from Higher Learning looks kind of menacing. But I shouldn't be worried. Remember a few years ago when you saw Jurassic Park three times in theaters? Well no need to worry! Dr. Grant will keep you safe! He's one of the best heroes...

SMASH CUT TO:

(a couple of hours later)

Fuck you! Other way around bitches!!! Sam Neill is the bad guy!!! THE FUCK!?

I'm pretty sure I end up spending a large portion of the film covering my eyes. Not necessarily because I afraid of what I'm going to see next on the TV, but because I'm legitimately concerned about Sam Neill tearing out my eye balls with his finger nails - which by the half way point of the film, he has done to himself!

This film was simply the most surprisingly horrifying film I've ever seen. It was completely unexpected. Everything about this film was unexpected. It...was...terrifying.

I must say that I'm a little torn writing this article, because the fact that it makes this list means that I'm informing you not to see it. And you shouldn't. It'll mess with your head! But I can't help but be curious about it. I wonder if it would still hold up if I saw it again. But alas, I won't. Instead, I'll leave you with one more anecdote.

A couple of years ago I went camping with four friends from university. At around three in the morning we're still out sitting around a camp fire and chatting when my buddy Dan says, "Okay. Everyone...don't even think about it, just say the first thing that comes to mind. Scariest movies you've ever seen..."

Nearly a decade later, five individuals called out the same title in unison.

Mr. H

#100 - North

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110687/

Oh, it was all a dream.

For starters, I'm writing this review based on memory.  I saw this movie in theaters when it came out in 1994.  I have refused to see it again.

This movie was so bad it moved me (as a ten year-old boy) to write a speech condemning it as the worst film I had ever seen.  My speech went as far as the Lambton County regionals.  I think it's one of my earliest memories of being angry.

Now, let me see what I remember.

Elijah Wood stars in it.  Bruce Willis was on the poster.  As a ten year old I remember thinking, "That awesome son of a bitch from Die Hard.  Maybe this will be sweet."  And according to IMDB, Rob Reiner directed it.  He had an alright track record in his early years...so give it a shot, right?

In short, Elijah Wood's character (whose name I refuse to look up - yes, I know I already mentioned that I went to the IMDB page to check the director, but you have to appreciate the spite) gets in a fight with his parents or something, then decides to divorce them and go on a search for new parents around the world.  Here's the kicker.  When he can't find decent enough new parents, he begins to miss real ones.  And when all is lost and it looks like he won't be able to get them back - he wakes up.

Yes, he wakes up at the beginning of the movie shortly after the fight has taken place - oh, with a new found appreciation for his parents.

Kiss my ass.

I don't think I truly understood what the phrase 'waste of time' meant until I saw this movie.  I still get angry thinking about it.

Anyway, I really don't think it merits that much more discussion, so I'll end things here.

North - My #100 film you should not see before you die.  See you next week for #99 as the count down continues.

Mr. H.

P.S. Bruce Willis wears a bunny costume.

100 Films to Not See Before You Die

Welcome to the ongoing list of 100 Films to Not See Before You Die.

I hope you will find this list both informative and amusing. The films I list here are in no particular order. They are not ranked. They are simply bad.  I will be posting a new review of a film that you should not see once a week. I repeat, do not see any of these films. Enjoy.

Mr. H